wordcount: ~ 3.5k
Summary: In which Kris gets knocked up after That Time in Beijing, Chanyeol claws his face in distress, EXO-LUSH is formed, and Chen thinks Kris just got fat. Mpreg. For maayacola. Because everyone secretly likes mpreg COME ON ADMIT IT. p.s. this is completely and utterly un-beta'ed.
Kris knows something is inherently wrong when he’s hit with a bout of vertigo twenty minute into dance practice. He feels the room spin and tries to grab for purchase, aware of his legs giving out. When Kris comes to, he finds Chen sliding ice cubes down the slope of his forehead.
“He’s awake,” Chen calls towards the group of people huddled in another corner of the break room.
Kris sits up, shaking damp bangs out of his eyes as the company physician walks over, pulling a thermometer out of her pocket. She takes a seat next to him. “How long have you been experiencing this nausea and lightheadedness?”
Kris thinks about the last few weeks spent with his head in the toilet every morning. Their manager had gotten him a variety of flu medicine while Lu Han and Lay peered from a distance, afraid of catching his plague. “Too long,” Kris says. “Do you know what’s wrong with me?”
“Yes,” the physician says. “You’re three months pregnant.”
No one responds until Suho asks, carefully, “Sonseng-nim, what does he really have?
“I just told you. He’s pregnant.” The physician, a kind woman Kris has always associated with the time she bandaged Kris's ankle in his first months at the company, replies.
“What,” Kris and Chanyeol chorus.
“Well, there are some blood tests I can run to confirm it, but the symptoms are very obvious,” she replies, sticking the thermometer under Kris’s arm. “Have you had unprotected sex in the last 6 months?”
Kris doesn’t reply, and no one dares to correct him.
“Even so.” Kris brings his free hand up to stop the accusatory stare from D.O. and Tao. “That’s not even physically possible. Or anatomically correct. I’ve never-”
“Except for that time,” Chanyeol whispers after a beat, eyes wide. “When we switched in Beijing. Remember? Three months ago.” He turns around when Sehun spits a mouthful of water on Kai’s face.
Kris resists the urge to throw up. His shifting causes the thermometer under his armpit to shift, which leads to the physician fussing over him. The awkward silence is cut by Tao’s scandalous hiss of “Duizhang bottomed?”
“And here I thought Kris-ge just got fat,” Chen adds unhelpfully.
“Don’t look so bummed,” Kai says, patting Chanyeol, now reduced to rocking in the fetal position along the wall. “You’re going to be an Appa!”
“I’m going to die,” Chanyeol decides. “Kris is going to kill me. That was the only time we-”
Kai snorts, resuming his stretching. “Only your sperm would be powerful enough to impregnate Kris. Be lucky you didn’t have sex with a woman, or she’ll be having octuplets.”
“Who’s having octuplets?” Baekhyun asks, looking up from fanning Suho with a SNSD clear file. Management had neglected to notice Suho’s fainting spell while hurriedly shuffling the entirety of M into the CEO’s office.
“He doesn’t even need to have sex,” Sehun adds in, joining them with a bottle of water for Suho. “Chanyeol-hyung can impregnate a woman just by looking her in the eye.”
“You guys,” D.O. whines. “Can we not?”
“Can we what?” Suho asks, lifting his head from the ground.
“Kris is having octuplets,” Baekhyun says.
Suho faints again.
“Okay, we can work with this,” Seunghwan-hyung declares after pooling everyone into a conference room. “We’ll just move our next single back a few months and proceed with side projects management has been planning.”
“A few months?” Chen echoes. “More like seven months?”
“Side projects?” Sehun inquires, eyes immediately shifting to where Lu Han and Lay are busy poking each other.
Hyunkyun-hyung cuts in, flipping through a large file in his arms. “We weren’t planning on this until 2014, but the situation leaves us with no choice. Lu Han and Suho will release a single under the subgroup EXO-LUSH.”
Baekhyun brightens up. “That’s my favorite store.”
“Are we selling soap now?” Xiumin asks, evidently face palming.
“LUSH,” Kai tsks unappreciatively. “For Lu Han and Suho. I get it.”
“Lu Han and Suho will be extending their angelic images in this subgroup which highlights their kindness, charity, and sensitivity,” Hyunkyun-hyung reads from his memo. “Their single will consist of techno remixes of choral and gospel music with a hint of dubstep.”
Suho raises his hand. “Are we… promoting in LUSH stores?”
“Kill me now,” Lu Han says in Chinese.
“Lu Han, the sensitive man singing gospel music,” Tao replies in his native tongue, smiling brightly. “I will anticipate it,” he adds in Korean.
“Call me sensitive one more time,” Lu Han warns, a pleasant smile on his face. He stops advancing on Tao when Lay pulls him back.
“Lu Han-hyung is so pretty when he smiles,” Sehun whispers to Xiumin, who face palms again.
“Wait, so we’re not selling soap?” Baekhyun wants to know.
“Everyone shut up,” Kris says, slapping aside Chanyeol’s hand. “Your stupidity is making me nauseous. Shut up before I throw up on everyone’s shoes.”
D.O. and Kai deliberately move away from Kris.
“Don’t mind him,” Seunghwan-hyung declares. “It’s just the hormones talking.”
Apparently EXO-LUSH isn’t the only project SM had in mind. D.O. and Lay get roped into hosting a cooking show with rotational guest appearances from EXO. The tentative itinerary has five variations of kimchi spaghetti on the menu.
“Okay, he made that dish once, and now everyone thinks he’s the king of spaghetti.” Baekhyun says, waving chopsticks over his bowl. Emergency meetings always called for emergency jajangmyeon. Baekhyun moves some of his cucumbers into Chanyeol’s bowl. “Come on, eat up!”
Chanyeol just stirs at his bowl pitifully.
“Brighten up,” Kai says with a mouth full of noodles. “Kris will speak to you again… soon. Maybe.”
Chanyeol and Kai have been booked for a series of runway shows in EXO’s hiatus. “But we’ll be so busy,” Chanyeol had complained after looking over their schedule. “We’ll never be around anymore!”
“Yeah, it’ll give you less opportunity to impregnate anyone else,” Baekhyun had supplied unhelpfully, earning him a punch on the side. Baekhyun is still bitter about his bruise.
“I’m not even that good at cooking,” D.O. says slowly. “Maybe Lay will be helpful?”
Lay forgets to turn the stove off and melts a toaster on the stovetop, filling the entire kitchen set with carcinogenic fumes and forcing the crew to evacuate in their first episode. Lay’s forgetfulness somehow turns into a theme for the show. He forgets to add baking soda in their bread making episode, neglects the chicken stock while making soup, and adds salt instead of sugar to their cookies.
“You’ve got to be playing us now,” Chen hisses when the recording wraps up, after the guests smile through the cookie tasting. He downs another bottle of water. “Ge, you’re not that forgetful.”
Lay blinks. “I’m sorry. What did you say in Korean?” He ducks when Chen throws a spoon at him. It hits Sehun, causing him to drop the retainer box in his hands.
“Hey,” Chen changes the subject when Sehun glowers at him. “Want to come over and visit Kris-ge? Sehun-ah, your favorite person may be there too.”
Lu Han isn’t at M’s apartment, but Kris is pacing around the kitchen with one hand supporting his back. Kris uses height to his advantage, putting on weight well despite his ever growing baby bump. “Don’t say anything about his cheeks swelling, though,” Lay warns, suddenly fluent in Korean again. “Last week he almost hit Hyunkyun-hyung.”
“We brought you cookies!” Chen adds brightly. He grins when D.O. and Sehun set a bag of vitamins on the kitchen table.
“How was your doctor’s appointment?” Lay asks, pulling a chair over and forcing Kris to sit down. Tao suddenly appears with a cup of milk and Xiumin squeezes a cushion behind Kris’s back. Even Chen disappears to slice the avocado lime cake they picked up upon Kris’s demand.
“This stuff is nasty,” Sehun hisses to D.O. after taking a bite.
“This stuff is the best,” Kris declares, glaring at Sehun. “So,” he says deliberately and importantly. “My mother is coming to visit next week. Maybe you should tell Chanyeol, since she wants to meet him.”
D.O. pushes Sehun’s jaw close. “Why don’t you just tell him yourself?”
“Ge deleted Chanyeol off his contact list,” Chen explains, switching to Korean. “Just like a bitter ex-girlfriend.”
“I understood that,” Kris says flatly, holding his mug out. Chen deflates and goes to warm up another cup of milk.
“We are not coming to Meet The Inlaws,” D.O. says after they hop into Seunghwan-hyung’s van.
“We are so coming,” Sehun declares, already texting multiple people on his contact list.
Apparently, Kris isn’t the only one ignoring Chanyeol. Word gets out that anyone who holds Chanyeol’s gaze for more than 10 seconds will immediately be impregnated, so K spends an awkward trip to the SM building with all the trainees refusing to meet Chanyeol’s eye.
“This is hilarious,” Jonghyun says when they run into SHINee on the third floor. “How is your dragon mistress doing?”
“His what?” Baekhyun asks.
“That’s what they call Kris on the trainees’ mailing list,” Key explains without looking up, although Chanyeol is convinced that even Key is afraid of looking him in the eye. “There’s also an ongoing challenge where anyone who meets your eye for 9.5 seconds will win five cases of jinro soju.”
“Key has two aliases on that mailing list,” Taemin supplies in between arm wrestling Kai.
“Key-hyung,” Key corrects.
“The only good thing to come from this is the fact that Minho has taken your superpowers as a challenge,” Jonghyun adds. “He’s been staring uncannily at everyone, as if trying to find his own dragon mistress.”
“Let’s see how it goes when Chanyeol meets the dragon mother,” Key says, sounding gleeful.
“Wait, how do you guys know about that?” Chanyeol stares.
Taemin beams. “Let’s just say the trainees’ network has expanded since you were a part of it.”
Chanyeol does show up to Meet The Inlaws, although M spends two hours ignoring him as they clean frantically around a glowering Kris. Suho comes with Chanyeol since their managers clear EXO-LUSH’s schedule for a day, although Lu Han accidentally breaking any halo related props may have contributed to this decision.
Kris’s mother arrives at three in the afternoon, accompanied by Hyunkyun-hyung. The Chinese boys immediate flock to her, offering her food and water and back massages. Kris’s mother just laughs, eyes sharp but face kind. She seems to like Chanyeol enough after he introduces himself with “I really really really love you.”
Chen tries to translate for Chanyeol and Suho, although Chanyeol’s suspicion grows when Chen starts talking about carrying Kris bridal style over hot coal. That’s when Hyunkyun-hyung takes over the translating duties.
“Some part of me wished you weren’t serious,” Kris’s mother says, sighing with one palm on her cheek. “I’m too young to be a grandmother.”
“Mom,” Kris says, talking her hand in his. “I’m sorry.” They both turn to Chanyeol, who blinks back and tries to hide behind Suho.
Chanyeol stumbles out when Chen hisses something in Korean. He looks warily between Kris and his mother before getting down on one knee and asking for Kris’s hand in marriage in badly rehearsed Chinese.
No one responds to his proposal, and Chanyeol looks ready to repeat it when Kris asks, voice even, “Who taught you to say that in Chinese?” Kris is already narrowing his eyes at Chen when his mother takes Chanyeol’s hand and says Yes.
“Great, now my godchild won’t be born out of wedlock,” Tao says triumphantly.
“Your godchild?” Lay raises an eyebrow. “Who says you’ll be the god father?”
Things settle down a little when Kris starts speaking to Chanyeol again. Kris mellows out after his mother leaves, although he does send Xiumin and Tao on biweekly grocery runs for avocado favored snacks at odd times of the night. He spends the last weeks of his second trimester watching Korean dramas with Tao. Xiumin becomes a master of mahjong and starts a SM mahjong tournament with Amber and Henry, who claim that all proceeds will go to fund Kris’s ever growing prenatal vitamin collection.
EXO-LUSH has a successful debut and becomes the ambassador for Seoul Children’s Hospital, performing at various hospital events and fundraisers. Their debut song, Holy His[tory], gets picked up as the new opening for the Pororo anime. 0.5% of their revenue goes to charity, which works well at landing them gigs until Suho catches the flu from a weepy toddler at a pediatrics performance.
Lu Han, too, gets quarantined because Kris can’t risk cross contamination.
“You’re treating me like a leper.” Lu Han says as Hyunkyun-hyung drives him to K’s dorm. “I won’t forget this.”
“He’ll forget this,” Lay assures everyone.
However, Lu Han’s immune system becomes the last of their worries when Tao finds Kris hunched over the kitchen counter a day later, clutching his side as he doubles over in pain. They call the company physician, who appears with half of K in tow and D.O. and Lay in matching aprons.
“What’s wrong?” Chanyeol demands after fleeing from a dress fitting. “Is he okay? Is the baby okay?”
“Stop spitting on me,” the physician says after examining Kris. “I prescribed him some pain medication. We can get an IV drip in here in an hour and hook him up to that.”
Chanyeol claws his face in distress. “What’s wrong with him? What’s going on?”
“His body is preparing for child birth,” the physician replies. “His hips are shifting to make more room for the baby. I’m not sure if his hips will return to its original configuration after birth, but that’s the least of our worries.”
“Of course Duizhang with a woman’s hips is the last of our worries,” Chen says, earning a jab in the side from Tao.
“He seems to be experiencing sharp cramps, too. Why hasn’t he enrolled in prenatal lamaze classes? It’s very important for the health of the baby. First time mothers usually give birth early, too.”
“Shit,” Kai says. “This is really happening, isn’t it?”
When everyone looks at him, D.O. explains that Kai was convinced that everything had been an elaborate joke.
“Fuck,” Kai adds. “Kris is going to have a baby.”
Kris gets enrolled in a private prenatal yoga class against his wishes and threatens to kill everyone at least three times a day. He’s in the middle of waving a plastic knife at Xiumin when Chanyeol sneaks into M’s apartment and wraps himself around Kris’s back. “Hi!” Chanyeol grins. “I missed your rage.”
“Shouldn’t you be at a photoshoot?” Kris asks, relaxing into Chanyeol.
Chanyeol gives him a peace sign. “I sneaked out again and left my phone with Kai. I’ll be in sooo much trouble, so you better appreciate this.” Regardless of his tongue-in-cheek grin, Chanyeol convinces Kris to lie down. They watch Pororo on television while Chanyeol hums against Kris’s stomach.
“I searched naver for Chinese birthing traditions,” Chanyeol says, fingers walking down the slope of Kris’s baby bump. “Apparently you’re not supposed to sit on a crooked mat, laugh loudly, or lose your temper. You also can’t eat food that’s not properly cut or mashed, or our child will have a careless disposition. And if you eat light colored foods, our baby will be fair skinned.”
“Does this mean your baby will have green skin with all the avocado Duizhang has been eating?” Chen asks, poking his head out of his room.
“Go away Kim Jongdae,” Chanyeol says. “Or you’ll be taken out of the running for our baby’s godfather.” When Chen huffs and leaves, Chanyeol sets his head on Kris’s stomach and asks. “When will you tell me about the result of your ultrasound?”
“When you suffer the humiliation of coming to prenatal yoga with me,” Kris replies, not amused.
Chanyeol beams, squeezing Kris’s hand. “I’ll do everything you want. I’ll wag the dog and do the baddha konasana and even the cat and dog stretch.”
“How do you know about those poses?” Kris looks impressed, his free hand languidly running through Chanyeol’s hair.
“They’re also positions in the Gay Kama Sultra.”
“That’s what got us into this mess,” Kris replies, rolling his eyes.
“What’s this?” Chanyeol gasps. “Are you regaining your however minimal sense of humor?”
“Stop being gross!” Lu Han yells from his room with Lay.
Everyone becomes merrier as the third trimester progresses. Kris refuses to reveal the sex of the baby, but that doesn’t dampen EXO’s spirit as they prepare for baby Park-Wu’s arrival. Tao reads a book on fengshui and rearranges their entire apartment in an acceptable way, yelling when Lay tries to move the television set after walking into it one too many times. “You’re ruining the chi of the room,” Tao hisses. “After all of my careful analysis!”
Amber even pays them a visit with a book as she reads aloud. “According to ancient Chinese rituals, once pregnant, you should guard your thoughts. It is believed that everything you do and see will influence your unborn child. What affects your mind will also affect your heart and connect with the baby in utero.”
“So my baby will be born with an inherent hatred for you, is what you’re saying.”
“Cage the rage, bro.” Amber wraps an arm around Kris’s shoulder. “Think happy thoughts.”
“You know what will make me happy?” Kris asks. “If you eat that plum fruitcake from the last episode of Cooking MAMA.”
Kris goes into labor on a Tuesday evening. Chanyeol gets the frantic text from Xiumin in the middle of another dress rehearsal. He tries to bail, but is stopped by a throng of angry photographers and crew members. “Not again, Park Chanyeol-sshi! You’ve already skipped so many times. We need to make sure everything runs smoothly.”
“We’ve arranged with security to keep you on the set until the preparation finishes,” the mean looking project director says.
“What’s going on?” Kai asks, having changed out of his runway clothes at lightening speed. “Why aren’t we leaving? Apparently the contractions- oh.”
Lay is pulling raw egg yolk out of his hair when Lu Han arrives at the waiting room of Kris’s private maternity ward. D.O. doesn’t look any better, having flung the bowl in his hands away after Seunghwan-hyung made frantic birthing motions at them behind the set of cooking MAMA.
Lu Han and Suho are still in their stage costumes. “SHINee agreed to fill in for us,” Suho says. “We might’ve traded all of our sequin jackets for Taemin’s weaves.”
“How long do we have to wait?” Chen whines. “How long does a C section take, anyways?” He looks at Sehun, who asks why the hell would I know?
Sehun looks at Xiumin, who looks at Tao, who types frantically into his cellphone once again. They look up when Chanyeol and Kai storm into the waiting room, looking harassed.
“Why are you so late?” Baekhyun asks, glancing at the door to the operation room. “What happened?”
“Um.” Chanyeol bites his lip. “Kai punched out two security guards and kicked a photographer in the face. Hyunkyun-hyung is staying back to talk to the authorities. I don’t think Kathleen Kye will be designing for us again.”
"Thank god,” Chen says.
“What?” Xiumin asks at the same time. “Kai did what?”
Kai just rubs his eyes sleepily. “Eh.” He’s cut off when the surgeon appears.
“The operation was very successful.” The surgeon looks at everyone. “Who wants to see the baby girl?”
“Baby girl,” Chanyeol repeats, clawing at his face again. “I have a daughter. Oh my god.”
“Okay, hyung-nim,” Sehun says proudly. “Cough up 100,000 won. You know who you are.”
“That money is not going into my God Daughter’s college fund, is it?” Tao asks in Chinese.
“Um,” Suho adds. “I might’ve agreed to arrange her hand in marriage to SHINee’s manager’s son.”
“I guess we can always start planning her wedding, since Duizhang won’t let us plan his.” Chen sighs.
That’s when Kris wakes up screaming, nearly falling out of bed. His hands go to his relatively flat abs on instinct, sighing as his breath evens out. “What the actual fuck,” he says, noticing Chanyeol stirring awake next to him.
“Mmmmt’s wrong?” Chanyeol asks, murmuring against Kris’s side. “Go back to sleep.”
“What did we do last night?” Kris asks cautiously.
Chanyeol looks up, blinking through messy bangs. “Got shitface wasted? Do you not remember that nasty Chinese liquor?”
“Did we have sex?”
“Ehhhh.” Chanyeol pokes Kris’s abs, gesturing mildly at their general state of nudity.
Kris narrows his eyes. “Did we switch?”
It takes Chanyeol a moment to understand. “No? Do you want to? Cause I-”
“Okay, good,” Kris cuts in before kissing Chanyeol senseless. “We are never, ever switching, got it?”
Chanyeol just makes a gurgling noise and pulls Kris to his face again.
a/n: I give up on writing serious fic. But seriously, everyone secretly enjoys mpreg. I KNOW PERVERSION IS IN OUR HEARTS.
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